“One among my most memorable rock-bottom moments got here on a wet Saturday night time when my ex-girlfriend stopped by. We had been making an attempt to be associates, which was a catastrophe as a result of we weren’t associates—we had been former lovers making an attempt to “act like” associates. And, on the time, I believed I might get her again… The reality was I couldn’t get her again as a result of she didn’t need me anymore. Admitting that basically harm, however I wanted to see the reality earlier than I might transfer on.” — from my ebook Letting Go of Your Ex
As a scientific psychologist with experience in relationships and addictive habits, individuals usually ask me whether or not they are often associates with an ex after a breakup. Like most issues involving human relationships, the actual reply is that it relies upon.
Being “associates” with an ex-lover generally is a very slippery slope, stuffed with relationship dynamics and feelings that may make it actually robust.
In case you are interested by making an attempt to be associates with an ex however are not sure, listed below are 4 indicators that you simply’re in all probability not prepared. At the very least not but.
1. You’re nonetheless in love.
If you happen to’re nonetheless romantically fixated on or head over heels in love together with your ex, it’s going to be actually exhausting to transition right into a platonic friendship. Perhaps sometime you’ll have the ability to be associates, however it isn’t immediately.
2. You’re nonetheless sexually energetic with them.
Being associates means you are not romantic or sexual companions. Along with getting used as a software to get consideration out of your ex, intercourse, and orgasms launch hormones and neurotransmitters into your physique that may make you extra attracted and connected to them.
In the long term, having sexual contact with an ex usually makes it even more durable to maneuver on.
3. You wish to get again collectively.
If you happen to’re at the moment damaged up, one thing about your relationship wasn’t working for you, your ex, or each of you.
If you happen to’re making an attempt to be associates since you’re secretly hoping to get again collectively, pause.
This may occasionally hold you holding onto a false hope — solely attempt to be associates in the event you can truthfully reside with the reality that you simply’re not collectively.
4. You’re pursuing a friendship out of guilt or insecurity.
If you happen to broke your ex’s coronary heart, you cheated, otherwise you’re uncomfortable being single, and the guilt or insecurity is driving your need to be associates together with your ex — pause. These usually are not the healthiest causes to be associates.
Pursue a friendship since you actually like your ex and need them in your life.
Whether or not you and your ex are able to shifting from being romantic companions to “platonic associates” is a query solely you may reply.
Usually, in the event you determine that conserving your ex in your life negatively impacts your well-being or theirs—you are feeling unhappy, anxious, emotionally reactive, caught prior to now, pining over a former lover—it’s in all probability not potential to be associates in a wholesome method.
Taking time and area from an ex after a breakup is a part of the therapeutic course of for most individuals.
Over time, you might reconnect as associates, do you have to each be prepared.
Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP, is a scientific psychologist and adjunct professor of psychiatry on the College of Nevada Las Vegas (UNLV). She can be the creator of Letting Go of Your Ex and Lies We Inform Ourselves.
This text was initially printed at Pyschology Right this moment. Reprinted with permission from the creator.
