
From adolescence up till my early twenties, I used to be fairly preoccupied with my seems to be.
As a teen, earlier than going to satisfy mates on the mall or the flicks, I’d spend lengthy bouts of time in entrance of the body-length mirror connected to my closet getting the make-up, the garments, the jewellery, the flat-ironed hair completely proper. I’d flirt with myself, check out my dance strikes, think about how boys would see me and wish me.
And different occasions, I’d decide myself, praying my boobs would lastly develop to a “regular dimension” and my thighs would shrink.
I wished to be adored. I wished to be standard. I knew how I seemed was an necessary a part of all of that.
However regardless of how a lot thought I put into this, to my dismay, in highschool I by no means obtained a critical boyfriend. That promenade evening fairytale the early 2000s rom-coms had promised by no means got here to be.
So after I reached school, it was that rather more satisfying after I did lastly begin to get the extent of consideration from boys I’d craved. My past love adored me in the best way I’d at all times wished and extra.
And it was so validating. I had many flings and a number of other boyfriends in my school years.
Ultimately, I graduated and moved to New York, and it didn’t take me lengthy to comprehend I had a lot of what I’d at all times wished already. I had the male consideration, I had mates, I had entry to cash I’d by no means had earlier than.
Is that this it? I questioned. I wished extra.
Freedom, function, ardour. Though I could not have put it in these phrases, I knew someplace inside that’s what was lacking.
A religious journey
In 2014, I discovered to program in order that I may work remotely and journey the world.
On my travels, I took up yoga and meditation. I turned a vegetarian. I finished straightening my hair as a result of I wished to like myself as I naturally am.
I now not exercised or ate wholesome with the objective of trying a sure manner or retaining my weight down.
I did these issues largely as a result of they made me really feel good, they gave me power, they usually represented respect for my physique and myself.
And all through this change to specializing in much less superficial objectives, one thing bizarre occurred. I turned extra lovely on the skin too.
Folks noticed a lightweight in me I don’t suppose was there earlier than. I used to be now not only a fairly enjoyable woman. I used to be gorgeous, radiant. And I knew that that radiance got here from within me. My self-acceptance, my give attention to one thing greater than myself.
However what I didn’t understand till now, till my being pregnant, is that though the story above is true — for the final ten years, my outer magnificence took a backseat to my inside magnificence because the precedence — this complete time, that outer magnificence was fairly rattling necessary to me too.
A wakeup name
I do know that now as a result of I don’t look the identical anymore. I don’t have a flat abdomen and the tight yoga physique I labored so onerous for.
My face has crammed out, and clearly, my stomach has grown to a ridiculous dimension (as a result of ya know, there’s one other human in there).
When you requested me outright if this issues, I’d say, no. This doesn’t matter. Fats is gorgeous and attractive. Pregnant can be lovely and attractive. I do know that intellectually. However my emotions don’t match up.
As somebody whose work lives partially on Instagram, I’m continuously photographs of myself and there’s a transparent distinction between how I seemed a 12 months in the past versus how I look now, 6.5 months pregnant.
I pine for that skinny face and physique that disappeared.
The radiance I noticed in myself, I simply don’t see it anymore. And that hurts.
And so I’m wondering if perhaps I’m not as spiritually enlightened as I believed I used to be. I’m wondering how a lot I relied on this outer magnificence to outline my self-worth this complete time.
I want to God I didn’t care about this, however it’s so clear now that I do.
A private problem
On the similar time, during the last weeks, by way of speaking about this brazenly, with mates, and with a coach, I’ve began to simply accept increasingly more the underlying superficiality that was at all times there. To just accept that appears did at all times matter to me. It’s regular. It is smart.
And likewise I’m starting to acknowledge that inside radiance continues to be there even when I’m having hassle seeing it proper now.
I’m nonetheless motivated by a deeper calling, to make the world extra free and fewer lonely, now greater than ever. I’m making a life, in my physique. And if all goes effectively, I’m going to ship that little life into this world. I’m robust.
I simply have to rediscover that mild inside. Possibly the one which comes from the marginally totally different mom model of myself.
This journey has been difficult. However I’m so grateful for this chance to look myself within the eye and perceive one thing I by no means did earlier than. Sure, I nonetheless care about how I look. I can acknowledge that. And ya know what? If I hadn’t felt my confidence wane, I might need remained on this delusion that appears didn’t matter in any respect, for who is aware of how lengthy?
I’m grateful for this illumination. I’m grateful for seeing the reality. As a result of solely from this place, can I actually transfer ahead.
Sarah Stroh is a coach, author, and speaker. On Monogamish, Sarah writes about her unfiltered journey exploring non-traditional relationships.
This text was initially printed at Monogamish. Reprinted with permission from the writer.