
I’ve written earlier than concerning the man who says he “hates drama” however for some unknown purpose retains getting entangled with “loopy,” “dramatic” girls.
A extra normal variant of one of these blame-deflecting particular person is the person who has an extended historical past of supposedly being victimized by exes.
This may be both gender, though it’s extra typically a person who says his ex is loopy and a lady who says she has solely dated jerks.
There are two causes that somebody says they’ve all the time been mistreated by exes. Regardless of which purpose it’s, it is advisable to hold your eyes open and your wits about you when contemplating beginning a relationship with this particular person.
The primary choice is that your potential associate is telling the reality, and they’re constantly drawn to individuals who deal with them terribly (The choice the place they simply have dangerous luck over and over and over will not be an choice. Patterns imply one thing.).
This is actually because they have been abused or uncared for by a mum or dad. That is no good as a result of guess what? They’re drawn to you too.
This both means that you’re really a hell of much more self-centered and tough than you suppose you might be, or that you could be be the particular person they WANT to love however they’ll really tire of you and return to somebody who treats them as poorly as they deeply and subconsciously really feel that they deserve.
An individual who has all the time been abused or exploited may have a codependent relationship with a “drawback particular person” with the intention to really feel worthwhile as a result of their important worth is to both assist their cherished one or be their punching bag.
If this particular person doesn’t get remedy, it’s unlikely that they’ll simply change their complete self-concept since you are good and loving. Extra probably, they’ll really feel higher over time after which this may occur.
The second choice is that your potential associate is unable to see their very own contribution to their previous relationships’ conflicts.
They, subsequently, caricature their exes as “jerks” once they themselves acted in equally damaging methods.
It might be that should you have been a fly on the wall observing them with their ex, you wouldn’t even acknowledge the “poisonous” or “abusive” therapy that your associate has recounted to you. You’d see two folks locked in battle, each behaving fairly terribly to one another.
In case you are contemplating getting right into a relationship with somebody who conceives of themselves primarily as a sufferer of horrible therapy by exes, take into consideration what they’ll say about you years down the street. If they’re unable to shift this imaginative and prescient of themselves, it’s extremely probably that you’ll ultimately flip into their subsequent oppressor.
In case you are already in a long-term relationship or marriage with a associate who identifies as a sufferer, you have got probably already felt pushed into the perpetrator position in early arguments.
{Couples} counseling may also help you in case you are already with a associate who conceives of themselves as a perennial sufferer.
If they will be taught that it takes two to argue, and may see their very own contribution to the battle with you in addition to with prior companions, this could be a game-changer on your dynamic. It takes a talented clinician to work patiently with somebody with a sufferer mentality and ease them into the concept they might be contributing to their difficulties in relationships, however it could work and might be transformative.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mother, is a scientific psychologist in non-public apply and the founding father of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and {couples} in her group apply Finest Life Behavioral Well being.
This text was initially revealed at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the writer.