Spoiler alert: The HBO household saga, Succession, is a deliciously sadistic, four-season examine in narcissistic parenting. Anybody aware of the present already is aware of that the Rupert Murdoch-esque patriarch of the fictional household, Logan Roy, appears hellbent on toying with and, finally, emotionally wrecking his 4 grownup youngsters — Kendall, Shiv, Roman and the man performed by Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Logan’s narcissism manifests itself by his all-too-clear want to dominate, degrade, belittle, and in any other case intimidate his offspring as they compete to take over the household’s sprawling media empire after their dad steps down as CEO. As a full-blown narcissistic guardian, Logan is aware of precisely tips on how to manipulate his youngsters into humiliating themselves for his or her dad’s amusement.
Simply as clear is that after a lifetime of dwelling below the baleful gaze and stern fist of Logan Roy, the youngsters have come to consider that — deep down — their father is true about them when he proclaims: “I like you, however you are not severe individuals.” They consider that they deserve his scorn and abuse. Their self-identities are so tied to Logan’s remedy of them that it is unthinkable to attempt to break freed from that narcissistic mildew.
In different phrases, they consider this lie: With out Logan, they’re nothing.
After all, characters in a primetime socio-drama like Succession have the posh of merely not present between episodes. What’s important in regards to the character dynamic explored so completely by the lens of the present’s creators is that emotionally abusive habits like Logan Roy’s towards his youngsters is not fiction. It is an actual downside in too many actual households.
To higher perceive how narcissistic parenting can affect an grownup’s psychological well being, we reached out to a panel of parenting specialists to ask, What are the damaging lies we study from narcissistic mother and father? Listed here are their responses.
Three specialists share the damaging lies we study from narcissistic mother and father:
1. We study the flawed definition of ‘love’
Younger youngsters study what’s “true” and “unfaithful” about themselves, different individuals, and the world at massive largely from their mother and father. As an knowledgeable in self-deception, I take advantage of quotations that I say are “true and unfaithful” as a result of lots of the conclusions we make in early childhood are objectively false and might trigger psychological hurt to us as we age. That is notably true for youngsters of narcissistic mother and father as a result of they’re observing and studying from grandiose, attention-seeking adults who usually lack empathy for others—together with their little one.
Listed here are 4 highly-problematic lies individuals study from narcissistic mother and father:
- Love is earned … and also you’ll by no means be ok. Usually narcissistic mother and father talk that perfection is important to be cherished. On this manner, not solely is love conditional but it surely requires youngsters to satisfy a great that nobody can obtain — being excellent based on who their guardian needs them to be. When internalized, this lie can significantly damage the vanity of kids.
- Folks will at all times disappoint you. Folks with narcissistic traits are usually disenchanted by different individuals, actually because they fail to admire them in the way in which the narcissist needs. One consequence of that is that their youngsters study that trusting and connecting to others in an intimate manner is unsafe and disappointing.
- My wants don’t matter. As a result of narcissistic mother and father usually consider that they’re an important individual on the planet, the wants of their youngsters are sometimes invalidated and neglected. On this manner, youngsters usually really feel invisible as if their ideas, emotions, and experiences aren’t necessary.
- Love is aggressive. Narcissistic mother and father are sometimes cautious of their youngsters getting near different individuals— and can actively manipulate or undermine their little one’s relationships with others. Consequently, youngsters study to cover their true feelings, preserve secrets and techniques, and compartmentalize their relationships to remain secure.
– Dr. Cortney Warren, board-certified scientific psychologist, adjunct psychologist, UNLV Faculty of Drugs
2. We study to suppress our feelings in an unhealthy manner
I had a baby with a narcissistic man. The worst factor that he drilled into my little one after our divorce was that I used to be irrational and emotional. I’m emotional, it’s true, however not overly so. My son realized that any expression of emotion was “excessive.”
Feelings had been labeled as “loopy habits” whereas chilly logic was overvalued. My son realized to close down his personal feelings and to repress and numb them. As an grownup, he struggles to precise himself and type loving, intimate relationships.
One other unlucky studying from his narcissistic father is that his value is completely depending on his accomplishments and skill to look good to the skin world. He was and linked to our son solely when he was performing in ways in which had been a constructive reflection on him.
Whereas all the things regarded good on the skin, his Narcissistic father was verbally and generally bodily abusive behind closed doorways. The narcissist is at all times proper and all the things goes nicely so long as you agree with him. My son appeared like an object to serve his father’s ego and egocentric agendas.
The third insidious studying from a narcissistic guardian is the concept that the kid is rarely fairly ok. This results in emotions of disgrace and the concept that he can by no means actually quantity to something. He’s solely helpful and loveable when behaving in ways in which the daddy approves.
– Mary Kay Cocharo, licensed marriage and household therapist
3. We study to pursue the flawed priorities in life
Narcissistic mother and father are inherently aggressive. Their communication often features a continuous stream of refined putdowns and outright criticism as a result of it’s extremely confronting to the grownup narcissist for his or her little one to change into completed in any manner that threatens their superiority. This is applicable to all the things — tutorial accomplishments, sports activities, manners, mates, love pursuits, invites, and each side of look.
Not solely is that this demoralizing for youngsters as they’re studying and rising, but it surely additionally units up a scenario the place the kid tries to earn love by turning into extra excellent and extra completed. If a baby succeeds to the extent that it displays glory again to the narcissistic guardian, the guardian will usually then credit score themselves for the accomplishment. Both manner, the kid learns that love is conditional.
As you may think about this units the stage for a lifelong wrestle of perfectionism and by no means feeling ok. And that’s a dangerous lie. I’m right here to let you know that you simply don’t need to be excellent to earn love and that you simply’re ok simply as you might be.
– Lisa Newman, constructive psychology practitioner and licensed intuitive consuming counselor
Carter Gaddis is the senior editor for Consultants and Wellness with YourTango.
