By Megan Marjorie
Expensive future husband,
It’s been some time since I’ve written to you, and boy, have I modified.
I’m now not the woman who’s tethered to an IV pole, slowly losing away. I’m now not the woman who’s terrified to even consider the long run as a result of she prayed for weeks that she might simply maintain on yet one more day.
I could also be sick, however I’m (at the moment) now not dying.
For the primary time, in a very long time, I’m permitting myself to dream of my future as a result of I imagine that I may very well get an opportunity at one.
As I’m dreaming of all the pieces I need in life, you’ve popped into my head so many instances. I’m wondering what you’re going to seem like. I’m wondering how we’re going to meet (or if we’ve got already met) and what our story will probably be.
And, after all, I all the time surprise what our love will probably be like for you.
I’m wondering the way you’ll address loving somebody who won’t ever be wholesome. Somebody who struggles even on her finest well being days and is fortunate to outlive her worst ones.
I’m wondering the way you’re going to deal with the hundreds of unknowns that my sickness brings, particularly the uncertainty round my skill to have kids and my life expectancy.
I concern how it is possible for you to to take care of the worst elements of my life — surgical procedures, hospital stays, blood attracts, IVs, tumors, blood merchandise, scans, drugs, mind fog, irritation, nausea, vomiting, flares, bloating, physician appointments, remedy, unwanted effects, insurance coverage protection (or lack thereof), big query marks, and plain previous unhealthy information.
I hope you’ll respect the“regular” elements of my not-so-normal life.
The reality is, although, my well being will probably be a complete new, terrifying world for you. Part of me will all the time concern that my sickness, and all that comes with it, will probably be an excessive amount of so that you can deal with.” In spite of everything, it’s usually an excessive amount of for me to deal with. I didn’t have a selection on this, however you do.
I do concern the way you’ll react to me, however I now not concern you.
For years, I’ve prevented severe relationships as a result of I’ve feared how my sickness would impression your life and the way your response to it will have an effect on mine. I’ve feared that you could be fall in love with the tall, outgoing, happy-go-lucky woman with shiny eyes, a foolish snigger, and an enormous smile.
However I feared that the second my power sickness and all my “damaged items” begin to present, you’d run, like so many others. I’ve anxious that you’d immediately neglect the happy-go-lucky woman with the brilliant eyes and the massive smile and solely see me as all of the issues I can’t management.
So I constructed a wall and I guarded it with my sarcastic humorousness. I made myself completely reside within the “buddy zone” decided to not let anybody get shut sufficient to me to see my damaged items.
However since I final wrote to you, I’ve realized one thing essential.
You might be damaged, too. As a matter of truth, each particular person on Earth is damaged ultimately. Being chronically in poor health simply makes a few of my “breaks” extra seen.
Chances are you’ll all the time have elements of your self that you just don’t like. The battles in your life will all too usually really feel like endless wars like they’re an excessive amount of to deal with.
You’re going to have weaknesses, traits that I’ll wrestle to deal with, too. However loving you, damaged items and all, goes to be price it, identical to loving me, damaged items and all, goes to be price it.
I’ve discovered and at last come to imagine that we’re a lot greater than our damaged items. We’re infinitely greater than the issues we hate about ourselves.
I’m engaged on taking down that wall, brick by brick, so when that fateful day finally arrives, I’ll be able to allow you to in.
Love all the time,
Your future spouse
Megan Marjorie is a author and frequent contributor to Unwritten. Her work has been featured in MSN, Yahoo, and The Mighty.
This text was initially printed at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the writer.
