I’ve all the time been “the sensible one.” I get actually excited for issues like NPR’s “Science Friday” and when Charlie Rose has a captivating visitor. I’ve a terminal diploma, have taught school, and as soon as on a date I casually used the phrase “symbiosis” in a dialog proper earlier than I launched into an in depth dialogue about plate tectonics and subduction zones.
On prime of all that, I appear like the stereotypical horny librarian, glasses and all, which I’ve owned and really feel is a constructive attribute. So that you’d assume that with all these brains and the truth that I look midway cute, and might confidently speak about literature, politics, historical past, and seismic exercise, that I might have had males falling throughout me, proper? Yeah, no.
I’ve a notoriously poor file with males. My pre-married relationship historical past feels like a Shakespearean tragedy. If my single life had been a romantic comedy, I might have been the quirky sidekick who by no means obtained the recent man.
As soon as males went out with me just a few instances, they’d often dump me for some girl they met on the fitness center who labored because the shot lady in a nightclub for a residing, after which they’d inform me they wished to remain buddies as a result of I used to be “fascinating.”
My mother all the time stated that males had been intimidated by me as a result of they realized they needed to “carry it” just a little extra to impress me.
My mind offered extra of a problem. I wasn’t “simple” just like the Enjoyable Ladies and being round me required extra effort.
That is why I made a decision to conduct an experiment. I made a decision to dumb myself down, to faux to be just a little extra of a “Enjoyable Woman” to see if I might appeal to extra males.
Earlier than I met my husband, I used to be a daily on a preferred on-line relationship website, so my first step was to take away all indicators of intelligence from my profile and add extra horny footage. I saved my descriptions temporary and as cliché as doable with out making myself gag.
Sure, I even stated that I beloved lengthy walks on the seaside and a few nonsense about spontaneous journey. I deleted the entire part about how a lot I beloved books and science, and inside an hour my inbox was stuffed with messages, whereas earlier than I used to be fortunate if I obtained one message per day. My experiment was working already.
I responded solely to college-educated professionals — your customary, clean-cut sorts that my mother accredited of. I questioned if sensible males (the sort I preferred) actually most well-liked dumb ladies, so in emails, I used loads of smiley faces and saved my responses brief and cutesy. On the telephone, I made positive to giggle and to not expound or have robust opinions on something.
The consequence? I may have gone on three dates a day. That is what number of males requested to fulfill me in particular person.
I additionally seen that earlier than, my dates would often supply to fulfill over espresso however now males immediately wished to take me out for drinks and had been fairly insistent that alcohol be concerned in our dates.
In-person I bit my tongue, smiled, and stated “ohmygodwowthatissoamazing” approach an excessive amount of.
I feigned ignorance on present occasions, tradition, and just about the whole lot, and what I noticed was that the lads I used to be relationship appeared to get off on “instructing” a lady, displaying her the methods of the world, and exposing her to supposedly new issues, thus making a dynamic the place the person is in a superior place and the lady is clearly subordinate and counting on the person for steerage and data.
Besides, no. To not point out, three-quarters of those dudes had no concept what they had been even speaking about.
Plus, all of them appeared intent on getting me drunk, which wasn’t taking place as a result of I used to be too sensible for that.
Many second and third dates had been supplied, and I started to note a brand new and fascinating phenomenon. The boys who preferred me as a result of they thought I wasn’t sensible rapidly proved to be insecure jerks. They made sexist feedback, spoke critically of others, started to behave jealous, and revealed that they had been all management freaks who had little interest in being challenged on something.
Bizarrely, a number of of them outright requested me if I would had beauty surgical procedure and if I would be keen to go below the knife (uh, no). Oh, and so they had been nonetheless attempting to get me drunk, which a male buddy defined to me was as a result of they had been attempting to get a quick cross to intercourse.
The mission was instantly aborted.
It is not that males like dumb ladies.
What’s really happening right here is that a big proportion of males wish to have an excellent time with a lady (which incorporates intercourse) with out having to do loads of work. These guys aren’t in search of wives. They need a lady on their very own phrases and so they need her superficially, to allow them to use her as an object to really feel higher about themselves.
It is much less about intelligence than it’s about disposability. Plus, they do not need their egos challenged. Good riddance to them. Positive, I may get much more dates if I dumbed myself down, however they positive weren’t with high quality males, so what was the purpose?
Disheartened, I went off the relationship website, and a few months later I met the person who would change into my husband. On our first date, I used to be utterly and completely myself. We skipped the small speak and went proper for the large vital matters. We debated. We shared equally as a result of we each had totally different areas of experience, and we even laughed as a result of we had related dry senses of humor.
“I such as you as a result of you’ve opinions and passions which are your individual,” he advised me. “I like that you may present me new issues and that I can speak to you about so many alternative matters.”
That is what a person ought to say on the finish of a date, so I married him.
Victoria Fedden is a author and writer of Newbie Evening on the Bubblegum Kittikat and That is Not My Lovely Life. Her writing has appeared in Actual Easy, Hen Soup for the Soul, Huffington Put up, Redbook, Elephant Journal, Scary Mommy, and extra.