One factor I’ve seen about myself over the previous couple of years is that I’m afraid of enticing males. No, not afraid to method them. No, not afraid to flirt. No, not afraid to make the primary transfer.
I’m afraid of the ability they’ve over me. I’m afraid of those I like, however I’m unsure in the event that they like me as a lot. I’m afraid they may flip me down.
And this impacts the way in which that I date.
Throughout a name with my life coach, who I’ve a little bit of a crush on (he is aware of), this got here up. I noticed I used to be feeling nervous in his presence. He known as me out on it and requested me why.
I instructed him I felt this must impress him. A bit like he had all of it found out and I used to be unworthy in his presence.
On the identical time, I knew these emotions weren’t about him (somebody I logically know will not be an actual candidate for relationship). They have been about who he represented: somebody I wished however didn’t have.
In his presence, I felt just like the way in which I’ve with males I’ve favored within the latest previous: small, insecure, and hungry for validation.
After our name, I puzzled why that is. How might I see issues in a different way? How might I change into extra assured in myself within the presence of enticing males?
Enter the elephant
As it’s possible you’ll know, I’m additionally a coach. My job on this function is to problem my shopper’s considering and get them out of their logical mind and into the world of emotions and pictures in order that they’ll begin considering extra creatively about their lives and get nearer to the place they need to be.
Throughout a latest teaching coaching weekend, I discovered a way to assist shoppers get out of patterns they discover themselves in with sure folks (a colleague, a accomplice, and so forth.), and it appeared related to my scenario.
I made a decision to do a dry run of this technique on myself for follow but in addition to see if it might assist me assume in a different way about males I like.
Right here’s the way it works:
Mainly, you’re taking a number of animals, in toy format or image format, and present them to the shopper.
You then ask them to decide on the one that’s alleged to signify them within the scenario at hand.
Picture by mossi889 by way of Wikimedia Commons
So in my follow run, I requested myself: What animal am I once I’m on a date with a man I like?
Then I requested myself, which animal represents my date? I selected the home cat to signify myself and the lion to signify the particular person I’m relationship.
Why the cat? I selected the cat as a result of I’ve seen, in terms of relationship, I usually attempt to play it cool, identical to a cat. I act a little bit aloof so that they assume I’m much less obtainable, so I appear mysterious.
It’s additionally essential to me to look fairly, type of like a cat that spends a number of time grooming.
And why the lion? On the opposite aspect, the lion is intimidating and fierce, identical to somebody who I understand as having all of it found out.
He’s steady and regular, above me, the king of the jungle.
So what’s the issue with this dynamic? Nicely being the cat is hectic. There’s an excessive amount of stress to provide off precisely the precise impression. And in actuality, I don’t like taking part in video games. I simply need to be myself and be accepted for that.
Additionally, there’s an influence imbalance that doesn’t appear so wholesome.
I feel lots of people discover themselves on this dynamic on dates, at work, you title it. However how will we emerge from it? It’s a must to ask your shopper or your self: What animal would you moderately be?
For those who might be any animal on a date, which might you select? I selected the elephant.
Why? The elephant doesn’t care that it’s large and perhaps not so fancy. No, it’s massive and it’s there and it’s a worthy companion to the lion. It doesn’t should be afraid of the lion. If the lion bites, it is going to harm, however finally the elephant might be okay.
The elephant can also be steady and, as an especially social animal, open and loving.
Within the lion’s presence, I really feel rather more relaxed as an elephant than I used to be as a cat.
There’s a bit extra to the strategy than I’ve simply described, however lengthy story brief, remembering the elephant has already helped me out in actual life.
Final week, I went on a primary date with a person I’m into and, on the date, as I discovered myself changing into the cat, timid, walled up, I remembered to summon the elephant. I remembered that I’m strong, I’m secure; I could be open and loving and current and absolutely there.
I turned my complete physique in direction of him. I regarded him straight within the eyes. And the date was superior.
It’s so refreshing to simply have to recollect to simply accept your self and be pleased with that. And simply know no matter his response, you can be okay.
Sarah Stroh is working to create a world the place folks have the boldness, instruments, and training to pursue the romantic life they really need.
This text was initially printed at Monogamish. Reprinted with permission from the writer.
