Once I first met Katie, I favored her instantly.
She was heat, humorous, and accessibly good. We had so many issues in frequent: she beloved to learn, go to the theatre, and was a little bit of a foodie, however not in a snobby method. She was as more likely to take pleasure in a meal at a five-star restaurant as a burger at a fast-food joint.
We had been each younger, blonde, and light-eyed. She was tall to my quick, slender to my curvy, and impeccably groomed to my thrown-together sense of favor.
Katie was down-to-earth and authentically herself, or so I believed.
Enter Candace.
Candace was Katie’s good friend from work. She was caustic and sarcastic and smoked one cigarette after the opposite. When you requested her to not smoke or to, at the very least, blow the smoke in the other way of your face, she took it as a private affront.
She wore black leather-based boots and matching bustiers over creamed-colored silk blouses and pencil skirts. This was her armor for when her harsh character did not push folks away.
“You learn Stephen King?” Candace stated to me as soon as as we had been ready for Katie. “I don’t learn trash like that, however I assume any studying is an efficient factor.”
Only some folks bought near Candace, and her friendship wasn’t one thing I coveted. I used to be comfortable to let Katie and Candace spend time collectively with out me.
The much less time I needed to be round Candace, the higher.
Just a few months after Candace-don’t-call-her-Sweet, and Katie began spending time collectively, I bought a nasty shock.
I’d gone over to Katie’s home for dinner, however when she opened the door, it took me a second to acknowledge her. She wasn’t in her regular cheerful prints however wearing all black, with leather-based boots and pleather pants.
Was this a joke? Why was she dressed as Candace?
“Did you come to my home by the use of China,” Katie requested sarcastically. “Subsequent time you say you’ll be right here at 8:00 p.m., get right here by 8:00!”
For the following few months, it was as if Katie had been possessed by the very a lot alive Candace. Katie dyed her hair burnt-coffee brown, dressed, and acted like Candace. She even spoke like her, with each sentence loaded with a heavy dose of contempt.
If I didn’t like the unique Candace, I positive didn’t just like the fake model. However I stayed associates with Katie, hoping she’d ultimately understand being a knockoff model of Candace wasn’t an excellent look, and he or she’d return to being herself.
“Hey, do you need to see Chris Isaak subsequent week with me,” Katie requested me. She gave the impression of her outdated self. Was it the cellphone, or had she lastly bored with being Candace 2.0?
Effectively, even when she hadn’t, I wasn’t going to overlook seeing Chris Isaak.
“I’d like to,” I stated.
We deliberate to have dinner first after which go to the small membership the place he was performing.
On the night time of the present, Katie picked me up, and her hair was blonde once more. She was sporting a cute outfit of pink denims, and a purple velour high, which she accessorized with a appeal bracelet and a enjoyable classic purse — all stuff I’d personal.
Wait a minute! I had those self same denims and high — I’d purchased them with my first paycheck from my job as a floater at Macy’s.
We fell simple into dialog, and I observed she used expressions of mine akin to yikes, wow, and he’s a TLBTTM (complete lush babe to the max.)
Oh lord, Katie was me this time.
I favored the Chris/Katie model so much. She was enjoyable, humorous, and gratifying to be round. I didn’t really feel judged as I did with the Candance/Katie model or as if all the pieces I stated was too silly to be taken significantly.
However having a sudden twin was additionally unnerving. I didn’t need anyone to suppose I used to be copying Katie or for her to out-Chris me. If I stated one thing intelligent or humorous, I wished full credit score.
We’re all distinctive, and even the closest approximation isn’t the true deal. Why couldn’t Katie see {that a} watered-down model of anyone wasn’t pretty much as good as the true deal Katie?
The Chris/Katie section didn’t final lengthy, and Katie cycled by a number of totally different personalities — all primarily based on her associates, over time.
I by no means knew now and again who I used to be going to get after I noticed Katie.
She solely took on one character at a time — she didn’t have Dissociative Id Dysfunction. Her personas weren’t in her head on the identical time, battling for dominance. Katie’s character modifications occurred separately.
There was the giggly and superficial Katie/Victoria, the robust woman, Katie/Betty, and the sporty Katie/Terri. It was as if Katie was every one in all The Spice Women!
Inform me whatcha need, what ya actually, actually need!
I’ve by no means been in a position to uncover why Katie was so uncomfortable being herself. She might have had internalized trauma, and being the true Katie was too emotionally harmful and will trigger her to let her guard down.
Katie lastly settled on a character and has been that good friend for therefore lengthy that I’m sure most individuals suppose it’s her true self. And possibly it’s.
This girl is assured, succesful, good, and loving — who wouldn’t need to be like that? If there weren’t some clear variations in life philosophies and beliefs, then I’d suppose this character was a extra mature model of Katie, however the disparity is nice.
Regardless of how a lot we develop and alter as we age, there are issues about ourselves that keep fixed.
Her present (and hopefully, remaining) character works for her, and he or she has an excellent life with a lot of love, pleasure, and satisfaction.
I don’t know if Katie lastly loves herself, however I hope she does as a result of no matter what model she is, there’s an excellent particular person and constant good friend at her core.
I simply want she may belief that who’s she and who she all the time was is sufficient.
Christine Schoenwald is a author, performer, and frequent contributor to YourTango. She’s had articles featured in The Los Angeles Occasions, Salon, Bustle, Medium, Huffington Submit, Enterprise Insider, and Lady’s Day, amongst many others.
This text was initially revealed at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the creator.
