Brené Brown as soon as stated, “Once we fail to set boundaries and maintain folks accountable, we really feel used and mistreated.”
After a breakup, the best way we relate to our former romantic associate shifts dramatically. Sexual, romantic, and every day shared life patterns cease or morph, making approach for a brand new regular for every associate. This leaves many in an uncomfortable state of transition, questioning whether or not they can nonetheless have their now-ex of their life—and the way.
Transitioning from being lovers to pals, platonic colleagues, and even simply civilized co-parents is far simpler if there are good boundaries.
Boundaries are relationship expectations; they mirror the way you wish to be handled and what you’re going to do if somebody violates these expectations (APA; Cloud & Townsend, 2017). This may embody every thing from the way you need somebody to speak to you as to whether you need them to the touch you to how a lot time you wish to spend with them (Warren, 2023).
On this approach, boundaries preserve you secure in your interpersonal relationships.
If you end up wanting a non-romantic relationship together with your ex after a breakup—or for those who should have certainly one of necessity since you work collectively or share parenting tasks, then that is for you.
Listed below are 4 steps that will help you set new boundaries after a breakup.
Step 1: Assess your motivation, truthfully.
Earlier than making an attempt to be pals or non-romantic companions, it’s important that you just discover what’s driving your need to be linked within the first place. Why do you wish to be pals together with your ex? Is it since you care about them and suppose you possibly can add to at least one one other’s life in a significant approach as pals greater than you would as lovers?
Or, for instance…:
- Do you wish to keep linked since you’re afraid of being alone?
- Do you’re feeling responsible in regards to the breakup or your function within the relationship ending, so that you’re making an attempt to ease the ache?
- Do you selfishly desire a tie to your ex as a result of they’re nonetheless in love with you, to ease your ego in case your subsequent relationship fails?
- Are you secretly conscious that you just wish to proceed a sexual connection together with your ex with out dedication however received’t immediately inform your ex that?
Understanding why you wish to keep linked is vital to setting wholesome relationship expectations. When you’re sincere with your self and understand that staying pals together with your ex is coming from a much less wholesome place that has nothing to do with them as an individual, it’s possible you’ll determine that reducing off contact is a better option.
Step 2: Decide your ultimate relationship.
When you’ve truthfully admitted your motivation for maintaining your ex in your life, it’s time to determine what a perfect non-romantic friendship together with your ex would appear like. Given that you just’re not collectively, how would you like them to be in your life?
Ask your self questions like:
- What does “being pals” imply?
- How typically do you wish to discuss or see each other?
- Do you continue to wish to see them? When and beneath what circumstances?
- Would you like a relationship or are you largely hoping it’s not awkward to run into them as a result of you could have mutual pals?
As well as, are there any dealbreakers to being pals? For instance, are there belongings you don’t need your ex to do, like stopping by unannounced; calling late at evening; sending attractive pictures; or persevering with to have sexual interactions?
Get as clear as you possibly can about how you prefer to—and never like—to have your ex in your life transferring ahead.
Step 3: Share your perspective together with your ex.
Now that you just’ve found out a few of your motivation for being pals and what you’d like that relationship to appear like, it’s time to share it together with your ex and get their suggestions to see whether or not a friendship works for them. For instance, it’s possible you’ll say one thing like:
I do know issues are altering between us as a result of we broke up. Although we’re not romantically collectively anymore, I wish to be pals with you as a result of I care about you as an individual. You’re humorous and I such as you as an individual—we simply weren’t good collectively as romantic companions.
What I hope is that we may be pals transferring ahead. To me, which means we will see one another every now and then—perhaps seize espresso or catch up typically. I do know we’ll run into one another at events too. What I don’t need is for us to be awkward saying hello or feeling like we will’t work together anymore. Or for being pals to harm both of us as we date new folks.
So, I feel it’s higher to not hook up with one another transferring ahead. What do you concentrate on what I’ve stated? Do you wish to attempt to be pals with me? Do you suppose we will? Do you suppose it might be wholesome for you?
Step 4: Consider over time.
As you identify what you need and wish in your new friendship together with your ex, will probably be vital to repeatedly see the way it feels to you over time. In case your ex acts in a approach that’s inconsistent with the brand new relationship you’ve outlined, will probably be vital to reply.
For instance, in the event that they proceed to pursue sexual interactions even once you’ve stated you aren’t obtainable for them, it’s possible you’ll must say one thing like:
- “Please don’t romantically come onto me; we aren’t collectively anymore”
- “I don’t wish to be in a sexual relationship with you anymore, so I’m not going to answer your advances”
- “I’d respect it for those who don’t cease by my place unannounced anymore. When you do, I’m not going to allow you to in.”
Like all relationships, you’ll get extra data as you go. When you discover that your new interactions or approach of relating aren’t wholesome for you or them, change it till you discover one thing that works. In the end, which will imply that you just aren’t able to being pals— at the very least not but.
Clear boundaries exist in all wholesome relationships.
They set up the type of relationship you’re keen to be in and the way you’ll reply if somebody treats you in a approach that’s inconsistent together with your values and private wants.
Whenever you’re going by a breakup, setting new, clear boundaries for your self and your ex is vital to transferring on healthily—whether or not they finally keep in your life or not.
Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP, is a scientific psychologist and adjunct professor of psychiatry on the College of Nevada Las Vegas (UNLV). She can be the creator of Letting Go of Your Ex and Lies We Inform Ourselves.
This text was initially revealed at Psychology Right now. Reprinted with permission from the creator.
