Cultivating relationships within the period of courting apps could be a difficult exercise, to say the least. The inherent anonymity of utilizing apps to satisfy males is a characteristic of on-line courting that may additionally put girls in hurt’s manner.
For the reason that daybreak of gendered energy imbalances, girls have needed to rely upon each other for cover and security when the programs which can be supposed to offer such issues fail us.
So, within the period of on-line courting, girls have discovered a brand new strategy to discover safety. Enter: ‘Are We Relationship The Identical Man’ Fb teams.
What are ‘Are We Relationship The Identical Man’ Fb teams?
The teams exist in a number of main cities as an area for ladies to publish the lads their courting or talking to on courting apps and discover out very important info to guard them towards cheaters, abusers, or simply insufficient romantic companions.
From New York Metropolis to Los Angeles, there’s an iteration of the group in most metropolitan areas within the US. The New York group, for instance, boasts over 109,000 members and new posts seem within the group nearly hourly.
The Fb teams are serving to girls fight the hazards of on-line courting by arming them with info on males of their cities.
The Fb group ‘Are We Relationship The Identical Man?’ capabilities as a strategy to crowd-source males’s reputations and warn girls when these males may be dangerous and even harmful.
Within the teams, girls are in a position to publish screenshots of males’s courting profiles and ask different girls in the event that they know something about them. The studies vary from fundamental evaluations to main warnings.
Not each publish is damaging; some characteristic girls who say they know a sure man posted, and supply supportive perception or evaluation of their character and what sort of relationship the lads are looking for. Usually, the teams operate as an area for ladies to ask one another for recommendation on courting and relationships, like how quickly is just too quickly to maneuver in collectively.
But different posts veer darker—girls asking if anybody else is courting their boyfriend or girls warning others to avoid sure males who’ve victimized them.
Picture: Fb
Sure posts relay tales of males harming the ladies posting, whether or not by way of gaslighting or ghosting, infidelity, or dishonesty. There are posts that point out abusive tendencies that numerous males exhibited in the direction of the ladies posting, together with feedback asking different girls to keep away from assembly these males, to maintain themselves secure.
One notably egregious publish shared within the New York group noticed a courageous girl warning different girls to not date a person she claims raped her when she was, as she describes, “too drunk to offer consent.” He allegedly refused to put on a condom when requested to a number of occasions. She had additionally realized of one other comparable allegation towards him after her personal harrowing expertise.
Within the feedback of her publish, girls shared phrases of assist and urged her to hunt psychological well being care if wanted. None advised she go to the police — these girls know the justice system fails girls with claims like this. The perfect they will do is use a Fb group to try to stop one other girl from falling sufferer to this man.
‘Are We Relationship The Identical Man?’ might be seen as a type of group care, the place girls can warn one another about males who’ve harmed them.
The necessity for teams like ‘Are We Relationship The Identical Man?’ to exist places a highlight on the weak place girls are compelled into by a society that lacks protecting infrastructure for ladies who expertise abusive relationships.
But there’s a sure moral concern over teams like this. Whereas they look like obligatory to take care of girls’s security, there’s no clear reply as to the ethical implications of their existence. Generally, girls publish pictures of problematic males together with the identify of their employer, which may very well be seen as doxing the lads in query.
There’s no fact-checking mechanism within the group; slightly, it’s created from girls’s lived experiences and private opinions. A difficulty for one girl may be acceptable to a different; one girl’s turn-offs aren’t essentially one other’s.
However girls want these teams as a type of group care. We’re those looking for ourselves and for one another.
Most ladies appear to know the explanation teams like ‘Are We Relationship The Identical Man?’ exist, as a manner for ladies to vet males for numerous ranges of toxicity.
But different girls have voiced concern for the lads concerned— like one girl who believed that “the feedback sections are mainly a smear marketing campaign.”
As said within the description of 1 metropolis’s iteration of the Fb group, “This group is a spot for ladies to guard and empower different girls whereas warning one another of males who may be liars, cheaters, abusers, or exhibit any sort of poisonous or harmful habits.”
The principles are clearly laid out, within the description for the New York Metropolis group, the web page explains the group’s operate as “a spot the place women can warn different women about poisonous males… to inquire about males you are seeing or who you simply met to see if anybody has had any experiences with that individual… It’s also a secure house for relationship assist and recommendation basically.”
These teams are the web model of whisper networks, when pertinent, probably life-saving info is handed by phrase of mouth, from one girl to a different.
Based on one group’s description, ‘Are We Relationship The Identical Man?’ is “not about hating males. This group is about defending and empowering girls.” But there’s no absolute assure for the ladies within the group that their posts will keep non-public. Whereas many ladies publish anonymously, others give their names or different figuring out particulars. The Fb group clearly explains its intolerance for individuals who screenshot posts or feedback, but there’s no strategy to fully be sure that’s not occurring.
Even in a spot that’s designed to guard girls from hurt, the ladies concerned nonetheless aren’t fully secure.
Alexandra Blogier is a author on YourTango’s information and leisure crew. She covers celeb gossip, popular culture evaluation and all issues to do with the leisure business.
