What’s your cocktail? Mine is three little drugs. One oval blue — Abilify to assist my “ups” not go so “up” and my “downs” not go so “down” — to maintain me even-keeled.
One spherical white capsule— Lexapro to assist with anxiousness and despair.
And a 3rd capsule, just lately added to the combination, a blue and white one which appears like a tiny maraca while you shake it subsequent to your ear. Methylphenidate — a stimulant designed to relax my ever-wandering, ever-pondering ADHD mind.
And in some way, all three drugs are purported to work collectively to show me into some form of useful human and useful father or mother. (The jury’s nonetheless out on that.)
From once I bought pregnant with my first son till the demise of my marriage — a span of 5 years — I lived considerably efficiently on simply considered one of these little drugs: Lexapro was all I assumed I wanted to navigate and deal with life.
However underneath the floor, my hurts, habits, and hang-ups had been piling up — so quick and so powerfully that on the age of 33, I discovered myself being voluntarily checked into the psych ward, chaperoned by my older sister, as my world fell aside and I misplaced the desire to stay.
What triggered my world to crash down round me? Was it my untreated ADHD? My untreated bipolar dysfunction that had been mislabeled as despair? Was it years of dwelling with my husband’s energetic alcoholism? Was it being hurled into surgical procedures when my second son was born with a cleft palate? Was it my very own incapacity to make smart and wholesome decisions for myself?
Sure — and likewise no. And in addition, who is aware of? And fairly truthfully, who cares?
My actuality proper now could be a cocktail of medicines, an ex-husband, two youngsters, a demanding job, and a trauma therapist to see me via all of it.
I am in uncharted territory I by no means deliberate on exploring, dwelling a life I by no means deliberate on dwelling, and questioning a God I by no means deliberate on questioning — which I believe makes me … human?
A human, after all, whose mind doesn’t work fairly as society calls for it ought to. However I am nonetheless standing and nonetheless discover life value dwelling, even when it isn’t all the time straightforward or nice.
Residing as a divorced, single father or mother with energetic psychological sickness just isn’t a street for the faint of coronary heart, but it surely’s a street I do know I don’t stroll alone. And so I stand up daily and proceed to stroll it, regardless that it usually appears like I am drowning.
My largest motivation is my children. They seem to be a fixed reminder that regardless of how darkish life appears, there’s all the time a sliver of life that shines brightly.
On the times and moments I need to surrender, and the darkness begins to take over, somewhat voice pulls me in the direction of the sunshine within the type of my duty to create a world the place they really feel secure, identified, and beloved.
Additionally, I do the work. The actually laborious work.
Since leaving the psych ward somewhat over a yr in the past, I’ve adopted the directives of my psychiatrist and located a trauma therapist to work with.
These wonderful professionals pressure me to analyze the locations of deep damage in my life and grieve the damaged goals that make up my life. Grieving means I take trip of daily to deliberately be unhappy: To be unhappy that my marriage fell aside. To be offended that my mind merely can’t perform with out treatment. To be scared that I’ll fail my youngsters, or worse, that one or each will inherit a mind that misfires like mine.
After I select to face the unhappiness head-on, it doesn’t have as a lot of a chance to shock me. It places me on offense as a substitute of protection.
I’ve additionally needed to study to embrace easy types of self-regulation. Attending to the gymnasium isn’t an choice for me because it is perhaps for others. It is a needed behavior that eases anxiousness, releases endorphins, and helps launch my mind from the fog that’s ADHD.
Journaling isn’t a interest, however a self-discipline that helps me to unravel all of the racing ideas that include my psychological sickness. Some days I actually don’t need to do both of these items and as a substitute cover underneath a rock and cry. However I do know my physique and thoughts work higher once I do these items, so I persist.
Lastly, I follow radical acceptance.
I settle for that I can’t change the previous, regardless of how laborious I kick, scream, cry or battle.
I settle for that part of dwelling in my thoughts implies that there can be moments of maximum darkness and excessive ecstasy, and as a substitute of making an attempt to get off the curler coaster, I buckle myself in and hold on tight.
I additionally acknowledge that I am not the one one on this curler coaster we name life; I share the experience with family and friends who’re additionally navigating their very own regrets, ache, fears, and failures. Collectively, all of us take a deep breath and maintain on.
Alex Alexander is a pseudonym. The creator of this text is thought to YourTango however is selecting to stay nameless.
